Patience,
Acceptance,
and Faith
Minoo Aram tends to her plants in her backyard in Redwood City.
Photo by Karina Patel.
Louise DeDera and Minoo Aram worried about how their husbands were changing. Minoo first saw the signs when she caught errors her husband, Manoochehr, made when doing their accounting. She said it was one of the few tasks he did at home, as his English was not the strongest. Louise’s husband, Roger, forgot where they ate for his birthday — right after coming home from the restaurant.
Those moments marked the beginning of their caregiving journey for husbands with Alzheimer’s disease. There are many challenges that come with caring for a spouse, such as stepping up as the primary decision-maker in the relationship, all while aging alongside them. Since Manoochehr and Roger’s diagnoses about eight years ago, their wives have navigated caring for their husbands and have had to learn to care for themselves.
Roughly 63 million U.S. adults care for a spouse, elderly parent, or special-needs child. Three in five caregivers are women. Louise and Minoo are part of the 42% of caregivers who are 65 and older (Carpenter).
Minoo lived actively before her husband’s diagnosis. She volunteered and tutored, and loves being around people. It all came to a stop when Manoochehr was diagnosed in 2020. The unfamiliarity of what the future held scared her.
“Personally, I accept death very easily,” said Minoo. “So that part of the disease is not what I am afraid of. But I didn’t know what I was going to be facing.”
She is grateful to have her two sons, who live nearby, to help her. One of her sons comes over every night to put Manoochehr into bed, since she is unable to lift him on her own.
Louise is still active with the groups she volunteers with but had to limit Roger’s independence after not finding him home one day. He had taken the car and was driving around the peninsula, and at one point ended up in Watsonville. Louise involved law enforcement, and they found him in Burlingame — a 30-minute drive north from their home.
Roger DeDera reads a newspaper with his wife, Louise, in the den of their home in Menlo Park.
Photo by Karina Patel.
“Instead of him being the protector, I became the protector,” said Louise. “Becoming a caregiver makes me feel very responsible, so that I don’t make mistakes in terms of his healthcare.”
Caregiving for a spouse can be overwhelming and frustrating. It comes with a lot of worry, guilt, and little to no time for self-care. What helps Louise and Minoo is patience, acceptance, and the programs offered at PVI.
Minoo’s faith helps her find acceptance in her situation. Her love for her husband keeps her strong, but above all else, she makes time for herself. She loves to garden and comes to Little House to do yoga and read up to two times a week while Manoochehr is with an at-home caregiver.
“After I put Manoochehr to sleep, I do the cleaning, the kitchen, and my flowers. I feel this is my time,” said Minoo.
Patience has always been part of Louise’s repertoire. Being a mother and a former elementary school teacher taught her that. That trait comes in handy during mornings when Roger refuses to get out of bed, or he forgets the rules to their nightly card game. However, Louise sometimes feels exasperated by it all. Taking Roger to Rosener House means she has four hours every day to meet friends, have lunch, take Pilates, and run errands.
“I can lead a normal life thanks to Rosener House,” said Louise.
Watching a loved one decline is difficult. It is gradual and takes time to navigate, Louise said. Burnout is common, especially when adapting to the ever-growing list of changes that occur as the disease worsens. Both Louise and Minoo have leaned on their support systems, PVI, and their faith to get them through it all.
“If you accept it,” Minoo said, “it is going to be less painful.”
Minoo Aram and her husband Manoochehr Moshiri sit for a portrait in the front yard of their home in Redwood City.